Just to escape.
To escape my tiny house that seems to be swallowing me whole.
Let me explain....between the barking, the 2 year old whining, the Care Bears theme song blaring, and my favorite HGTV about to start the noise seemed too much. And the constant mess. I feel like all I do is clean....literally all I do is pick up stuff. I cant escape it in this micro studio, and for a brief moment it all became too much.
I thought about locking myself in the bathroom but I've tried that before it doesn't work.....So i hoped in the closet and crammed my body between our stacked washer and dryer and a folded up stroller, on top of some shoes and just sat.
In there, I thought about how ridiculous the whole situation was.....I thought about the reasons I really wanted to put myself in the closet. Its not because of the noise or the mess....although, those are incredibly annoying. I'm realizing how trapped and out of control I feel.
There are so many things I want to do...and really , right now would be the perfect time. But I cant. I don't have a car. I cant go to places I want to go to. Or buy the things I need...I can never even leave this city. Today is Sunday and I couldn't go to church because Bronson works Sundays. That's it. I hate it so much. I feel completely imprisoned because I don't have the freedom of a car. I feel so imprisoned that I imprison my self in a closet.
-And husband is working from 10am to 10pm making me into a single parent 5 days a week.
-And now animals aren't allowed on the roof so we cant go to the pool without a major meltdown
-And were saving all our pennies just to pay for parking....freaking parking.
-And husbands 2 days off/week consist of annoying errands instead of a relaxing work free day.
-And I'm sick of being lonely.
-And theres a supposed "superstorm" hitting CA, where its predicted to rain for 40+days.
-And I really miss grass.
-And children.
So, those are all the things I thought about in the closet. Everything I don't have, and can't do. Which is stupid because I am beyond blessed. I really have so much to be grateful for...and I am grateful. I think I just have bad days like everyone else. I know that in time everything will work itself out and r ight now were just putting in our dues.....sacrificing now in the hopes that we can have an even greater future.
Here's where my day turns around:
Just about an hour ago Zuri was asking me to fill up her baba with cocoa for probably 5 minutes....I was ignoring her the whole time making dinner. Finally she yells,
I was laughing so hard I peed. I kept asking her where she heard "rascal" and "stinky ol'" from, because those are things we certainly don't say,
and she would just say, "I don't know! you...you.... dewey, rascal!"
and then "mama baybay,...LOOK AT ME! you got my stinky ol' baba NOW?"
This all made me laugh even harder. I really have nothing to complain about, especially because of this crazy kid I have to entertain me, but since I came into this blog with the "for better, or for worse mentality", of course I had to share about my closet trip today.
To escape my tiny house that seems to be swallowing me whole.
Let me explain....between the barking, the 2 year old whining, the Care Bears theme song blaring, and my favorite HGTV about to start the noise seemed too much. And the constant mess. I feel like all I do is clean....literally all I do is pick up stuff. I cant escape it in this micro studio, and for a brief moment it all became too much.
I thought about locking myself in the bathroom but I've tried that before it doesn't work.....So i hoped in the closet and crammed my body between our stacked washer and dryer and a folded up stroller, on top of some shoes and just sat.
In there, I thought about how ridiculous the whole situation was.....I thought about the reasons I really wanted to put myself in the closet. Its not because of the noise or the mess....although, those are incredibly annoying. I'm realizing how trapped and out of control I feel.
There are so many things I want to do...and really , right now would be the perfect time. But I cant. I don't have a car. I cant go to places I want to go to. Or buy the things I need...I can never even leave this city. Today is Sunday and I couldn't go to church because Bronson works Sundays. That's it. I hate it so much. I feel completely imprisoned because I don't have the freedom of a car. I feel so imprisoned that I imprison my self in a closet.
-And husband is working from 10am to 10pm making me into a single parent 5 days a week.
-And now animals aren't allowed on the roof so we cant go to the pool without a major meltdown
-And were saving all our pennies just to pay for parking....freaking parking.
-And husbands 2 days off/week consist of annoying errands instead of a relaxing work free day.
-And I'm sick of being lonely.
-And theres a supposed "superstorm" hitting CA, where its predicted to rain for 40+days.
-And I really miss grass.
-And children.
So, those are all the things I thought about in the closet. Everything I don't have, and can't do. Which is stupid because I am beyond blessed. I really have so much to be grateful for...and I am grateful. I think I just have bad days like everyone else. I know that in time everything will work itself out and r ight now were just putting in our dues.....sacrificing now in the hopes that we can have an even greater future.
Here's where my day turns around:
Just about an hour ago Zuri was asking me to fill up her baba with cocoa for probably 5 minutes....I was ignoring her the whole time making dinner. Finally she yells,
I was laughing so hard I peed. I kept asking her where she heard "rascal" and "stinky ol'" from, because those are things we certainly don't say,
and she would just say, "I don't know! you...you.... dewey, rascal!"
and then "mama baybay,...LOOK AT ME! you got my stinky ol' baba NOW?"
This all made me laugh even harder. I really have nothing to complain about, especially because of this crazy kid I have to entertain me, but since I came into this blog with the "for better, or for worse mentality", of course I had to share about my closet trip today.
real life sucks sometimes! good that you have a husband that will work that many hours. things will go your way soon!
ReplyDeleteMy Beautiful Daughter,
ReplyDeleteWe all have "closet" moments in life. It's how you deal with them that makes the difference. I love how you recognized your many blessings and moved on! I'm so proud of the wife, mother and woman you have become and I know that all this hard work and sacrifice will pay off. I wish I could help you more, give you a break, cook you dinner, babysit, hang out at the pool, laugh at our favorite shows, play on the tramp, dance in the kitchen and just hang out and talk more! You are loved and missed but I know your strong and determined so hang in there and know that a warm and wonderful break is coming soon! I love you, Bronson and Zuri so much!!!!
Mom
Wes!!! I love your blog. I totally look at it all the time. We all have days like this. Especially with crazy two year olds. I couldn't escape mine this weekend and I SOOOOO needed too. I never thought about a little closet. I'll have to remember that next time. We'll all have to get together the next time you guys are home. Oh, send me your email and I'll send you an invite to my blog!!!
ReplyDelete