what the...?

Today Zuri and I decided to go up to the pool.

We haven't been up lately because....well, I don't really know why we haven't. I've been in a mental funk lately. Or maybe its cause I have this huge black eye and don't want to explain how that a laptop fell on my face, and know that the person I am explaining it to is thinking about my mostly likely mean/abusive husband haha.

So anyways, were up at the pool and this girl close to my age is there again. I see her pretty often, and most of the time she is either reading or is listening to music so we smile at each other, but have never spoken. This day I see that she is reading this book called Come Back ....an AMAZING book that I recommend to anyone wanting an interesting read. So I say to her,

"Oh! How are you liking that book?"

She replies that she loves it and we talk about where shes at in it, etc.

The conversation kind of quiets down after a minute so she starts reading again and I'm dealing with ZuMonster, when she out of nowhere puts her book down and says,

"You're so nice!"

She said it like she was completely shocked/amazed.

So I kind of laugh and say,

"Well, thanks! I like to think I'm pretty nice. My husband might not agree with you everyday on that subject, though."

And she replies by laughing and saying....

"And funny too!....I dont know why I was ever intimidated!"

I kind of didnt know what to say after she says this so I just said something like,

"intimidated of ME?! what the heck? Im just a normal, boring mom."

haha. good one, huh?

And then we both laughed a polite laugh then carried on with what we were doing.

On the elevator ride back down to our studio I was kind of flabbergasted.

Why would this girl be completely shocked that I could be nice?

What is wrong with my face!?!?

Why on Earth do I look mean and unapproachable, and intimidating?!

Do I give off this horrible scary vibe?!

And then it hits me that I think I kind of do...

I think I give off this unapproachable vibe in person, but not on purpose at all.

It's more that I am shy. Or maybe I really do have a death glare I honestly dont know about.

But really, I'm completely shy and somewhat reserved, and I hate attention on myself.

For real, I literally turn beat red when I know that a group of people are looking at me.

This shyness has plagued me since Elementary...Maybe its due to the fact that I went to 6 different Elementary schools, 1 Junior High, and 3 different High Schools...? I just hated all that unwated attention of being the new girl so many different times, I got this, like, phobia of it. It has kept me from doing things I really wanted to do in the past too..... like talent shows or trying out for dance, or whatever.

I think this is why I like blogging so much, because all the focus is on what I'm saying without me having to stand up in front of people to say it....? Does that make sense?

Thankfully, this shyness disease has gotten 1000 times better since I've gotten older and became a Mom. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have before, but after today I realized its a part of me...it will always be apart of me, and I have to work extra hard to keep that wall down and be more approachable.

So this is my resolution to be more outgoing, open, and friendly with people....And to finally conquer my phobia of attention on my self. And also, allow myself to get closer to people with out the fear of them being ripped away..... to really put energy into making friends again that our my own...and I dont mean Bronsons friends that become my friends, cause I have a thousand of those (that I love, love, LOVE and am so happy to call my own friends). BUT...I need lady friends.

I think I have had enough time now to figure out how to balance being a mama, wife, landlord daughter/daughter in law, and keep a semi decent house all at once, and can now handle some me time without feeling selfish or worried. Really, I'm ready for it.

Plus, I should just get over it, right? Being shy is stupid.